As I sit here alone crying today - because I'm listing to worship music on YouTube - I thought I would post the answer to the question no one ever asks me ... Why do I cry during worship at church? This is, I believe, a story I've never told anyone.
In 2006, I was a shallow Christian - I knew how to "do church" and lead ministries, I knew the words to old hymns and new worship songs, I knew my bible - but I was arrogant. I thought some ministries were better than others, and that some activities in the church were for kingdom work and some were just ... there. Worship was in the latter camp. It was nice some people liked singing and had the chance to do it every week, but I didn't see why I should take the time to do it every week.
That year, I was placed in charge of small group ministries at our church, and went to a conference at Willow Creek in Chicago. I showed up that morning, found a seat in the upper level, looked through materials, and got ready to learn from some great speakers. But low and behold ... a worship band came out on stage. I sighed and stood with everyone, knowing this was about to be a waste of time preventing me from learning what I came to learn.
Twenty minutes later, I was laying on the floor, crying uncontrollably. I could barely breathe, yet still tried to sing through heaving sobs. I was vaguely aware that I was surrounded by strangers patting my back and speaking encouragement. When the band finished, the crying stopped, I got composed and the rest of the session was normal. We had lectures, break-out sessions, lunch ... then the afternoon session started with worship, and I was a wreck again. I just couldn't stop crying, convicted by the words and the word of God now clearly telling me ...
I was a wildly arrogant sinner! I was SO arrogant, I thought worship was for MY own benefit! I didn't need it?!? That wasn't the point - God deserved it!!! I thought I was important, and "my" ministries were "higher" than others ... and God had a lesson for me there and then. He placed this unique burden on me that day ... from that moment on, I cry every time I worship.
I cry at church on Sundays. I cry at home alone. I cry when singing along with the radio in the car. Sometimes it's just a tear to two, sometimes it's broken-down heaving, and usually it's something manageable in between. At first I was ashamed by it ... I was worried what people would think of me, or what they would assume was going on in my life that simple worship songs make me emotional. Eventually I went along with it ... I make sure I have tissues before service, and role with it.
Now 12 years later ... I embrace it! It is true this is a burden God has placed on me, but that only reveals two truths. First, it is evidence that God is all powerful, and his Spirit is alive in me. He can reach into my life if I let him, and actively stir me to love him, honor him, care for others, repent of sin, plead for help ... totally rely upon him. Second, this affliction reveals how much God loves me! God loves me SO MUCH that he has chosen to correct me, mature me, teach me, guide me, and then remind me over and over and over and over. God loves me so much that he will arrive and touch my heart regularly, often multiple times a day.
God is most real in my life when I worship, because he shows up every single time. He didn't curse me with an affliction, he blessed me with a manifestation. I pray I never lose this thorn from my life.
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